i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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