By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
