so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
is it fun? or sober?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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