Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
