grandma shit on top of the toilet
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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