Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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