Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
