I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
