I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
