Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We need to rekindle our bromance
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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