Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just pee around me
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
