My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
