I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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