the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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