I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
