sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
sarcasm needs its own font
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
