Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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