I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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