Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
