I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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