the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
