can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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