where am i from again
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize