I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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