I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Be still, my beating vagina.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Randomize
