Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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