I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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