No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
