I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Bring me that man meat
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
