I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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