listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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