Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
