it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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