I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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