I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
