I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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