Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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