Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize