You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
