I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
my being single is dangerous.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
