Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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