Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
