the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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