You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
