I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
