Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
