I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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