Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
