I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You can't special order awesome
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I want her autograph on my taint
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
