Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
