You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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