Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize