Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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