I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize