The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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