So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
