Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
