the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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