His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
