She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize