I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
